If you want to get it on all the time while your partner naturally has a lower libido, that’s a recipe for compatibility disaster. “People with discrepant sex drives really struggle down the road,” says Engler.
While it might be easy to overlook during the honeymoon phase when you’re naturally more physical, “the lower sex drive person often can’t keep up with accommodating the higher driver person,” Engler explains.
This one can be hard to resolve, she adds, so talking about it up front is a super important part of determining your future compatibility.
6. What is your sexual style?
While you’re at it, ask your partner about their sexual style, Engler says. “It’s good to reflect on how each person approaches sex emotionally and erotically,” she says. If your perfect night involves some kinky S&M but your partner is more about rose petals and romantic music, it can be tricky.
“If both partners are open to expanding, this can work,” Engler says. “But if you are both rigid and fixed in your ways, you may end up feeling chronically frustrated.”
Even if you have totally separate financial lives now, your attitudes about money can be a major factor in determining whether you and your partner are compatible down the road. “Every couple has one partner who is more of a saver and one partner who is more of a spender,” explains Hendrix.
With that in mind, it’s no wonder money is such a common topic to fight over. It becomes an incompatibility issue when you and your partner are on extreme ends of the spectrum. To save yourself more serious fights, “ask questions about what they do when they have extra cash in the bank, what money means to them, and how they view debt,” up front, Hendrix says.
8. Can you depend on this person?
Some questions needed to determine compatibility are ones you should ask yourself. The biggest one? Ask yourself if you can really depend on your partner. “This is a question that comes up over and over in couples’ therapy,” says Engler. “When you share a life together, from daily chores to major life events, you want to know you can depend on this person and they will not put all the responsibility on you.”
Ask yourself whether your partner pulls his or her weight, if they’re there for you when you’re upset, if they make you dinner when you’re working late. “This is an area that people don’t discuss and negotiate-but they do complain about it a lot later,” Engler says. “It’s wise to take care of this early and figure out how you will provide for each other. If not, someone will feel abandoned later.”
When to Reassess
When you and your partner are super compatible, you’ll find yourself having similar answers to most of these questions-Hendrix says agreeing about 80 percent of the time is a good number to shoot for. “You want to reassess if you are starting to feel either a great number of things you don’t agree on or a great level of intensity when you disagree on something,” she says.
There’s no exact formula to figure out if you’re compatible or no single question you can ask to figure out if you’re doomed. Ultimately, says Hendrix, “it depends how important it is to you to be with someone who is compatible with you in that specific area.”
Macaela MacKenzie is a journalist covering women’s equality. Her work focuses on sports, the gender gap across industries, and breaking down stigmas in women’s health. She has over kasidie swingers 2,000 bylines for outlets including Glamour, Marie Claire, Elle, Women’s Health, SELF and Forbes. She’s currently working on her first book on women’s equality in sports.